Do what you hate

The most transformative piece of advice I received in the past few years was that I should do what I hate (in certain contexts).

I’m only half-joking here. Here’s the thing: People believe in the kind of psychology and therapy they’re good at, that speaks to them, that’s comfortable to them, that matches their personalities. When selecting therapies, you tend to choose as you always do; whatever floats your muffin.

But… What is therapy about, fundamentally speaking? Is it about slam-dunking and homeruns? About doing what comes naturally to you, what you’re great at, again and again? Maybe for the therapist, sure. If you’re great at feeling and containing deep emotions, that means it’s probably the sort of therapy you should be specializing in. If you’re great at finding a positive angle to reframe tough situations and get out of a rut, you might want to be a “solution-based therapy” practitioner. Or if you’re a complex thinker who can deal with many issues at once and coordinate them into one great scheme, so-called dialectical behavioral therapy might be your thing.
Is the same true when we are the clients, the patients, the person to be healed?

Achilles’ Heels

If you’re the patient/client, therapy is about what you’re bad at; indeed, so dismally bad you’re not even aware of how to wrap your head around it. It’s about the stuff you’ve been avoiding your whole damned life, every minute of it. That’s why you don’t need further elite training in it, that’s why you need therapy, buddy: because there are some things you suck so much at that you basically need medical attention to remedy it. The good part of accepting that you’re sublimely mediocre is that it becomes easier to also accept those Achilles’ heels of yours as well—your weakest weak spots.

Your hobbies are about doing what you love. Your social life is about being with whom you love, as long as your boundaries are respected (otherwise: restore justice and if that cannot be done, quit). Your career is about that thing they like to name with the Japanese word ikigai: the intersection of what you love doing, what you’re good at, what pays the bills, and what the world needs. But therapy is different. It’s not about doing what you love. It’s the opposite of ikigai. It’s about doing what you hate, what you’re bad at, what pays the therapist’s bills, and what you need but most people in the world really don’t. - Hanzi Freinacht, 12 commandments

I can’t help smiling a little when I read this quote because it’s true, yet I never really thought of it this way.

because there are some things you suck so much at that you basically need medical attention to remedy it

Ouch 😂

I’m the kind of person that needs to understand something before allowing myself to feel it. I try to be rational, I love concepts and ideas. I intelectualize my own psychology (if you read this blog you already know this 🥲). I always gravitated toward speaking therapy, high level cognitive stuff. It feel very easy and safe to me.

When I decided to go back to therapy this year, I decided to pick something I truly hated. I picked a Drama Therapist who also did somatic / embodied therapeutic work.

I cannot overstate how much I hate every single one of those things. I hate that when we start a session, I have to check in with my body for 5 minutes before even talking. I hate when we role-play (IFS). I hate when I have to shut down my rational brain and speak from my intuition. I hate when I have to draw stuff. I hate when I have to pick which emotion I’m feeling using the emotion wheel. I hate it. It makes me feel dumb. It makes me cringe 😬.

Yet I love it. I like the therapist too. I can’t imagine stopping now. I feel so much growth. It’s true, I did spend my entire life avoiding those things, and it’s about time I remedy that.

The journey continues…